Cats are Superior to Dogs (Theologically Speaking)

We’ve all been part of this conversation or have overheard one.  Person A, a dog-lover, meets Person B, a cat-lover.  They have a discussion,  (and it might get a little heated, but usually ends friendly) about how cats are superior to dogs or dogs are superior to cats, etc.  These conversations never really go anywhere, but people have them anyways.  Dogs alwaysgreet you when you come in the door; cats can be litter box trained/aren’t so stupid, blah-dee-blah-blah, and so on.  ENOUGH!  Today, I thought I would settle the matter, at least for those of Biblical faith: cats are vastly superior to dogs.  So sorry dog-lovers.  L

First of all, in making this argument, allow me to give a few disclaimers.

Disclaimer 1: Everything I’m about to say in this article is a joke.  I say this because I’ve actually had people get angry with me when I’ve given these arguments.  It’s understandable, I suppose, if you are in the dog loving camp. 

Disclaimer 2: Though I will be quoting Scripture I’m not trying to make a doctrine out of this, it’s all in good fun!

Disclaimer 3: I’m not trying to say that dogs have no value or that no one wants them or that you’re evil if you own one.  Far from the truth! They’re useful, lovable creatures and I think God loves them too.  After all, two of them were saved on the ark with Noah.  But let’s be clear that we’re talking about a lesser creature than cats.

So let’s proceed with the theology.  To make this easy on everyone, I’m going to keep a scorecard, starting with Cats 0, Dogs 0.

Throughout the Bible, dogs get dogged on, and it’s not just me who says so.  According to the entry on dogs in The Dictionary of Biblical Imagery (a source I used for several of the verses on dogs in this article), the life of a dog “…shocks the reader with visions of squalor, dismal poverty and the life of a pariah at the bottom of the social scale.”  (Cats 0, Dogs -1.)  It goes on to say, “Of all the domesticated animals there is a particular revulsion for the dog, who alone is willing to eat humans corpses, a fact that is reprehensible to every human and exploited uniquely by the book of Kings as a curse that comes upon wicked dynasties.”  (Before we go on, we have to tally that one up… dogs eat human flesh and they are used as curses… that’s a negatory on two counts so it’s Cats 0, Dogs -3.) 

But wait dog lovers!  Did you know that there’s actually a verse in the Bible that explicitly mentions a condition in which a dog is better than a cat?  Yes!  There is!  Behold: “…even a live dog is better off than a dead lion” (Ecclesiastes 9:4 NIV).  Ouch.  I guess you can tell that the language in that verse indicates that under normal circumstances a dog is obviously inferior to a lion (cat), but that if the cat is dead and rotting a dog trumps it… barely.  For this, I suppose we can be extremely generous and deduct only two thirds of a point from dogs.  (Cats 0, Dogs -3.66.) 

“But Adam, that’s just Old Testament…” says the dog-lover.  We’re in the New Covenant now.  Okay!  Here goes!  Paul says in Phil 3:2, “Beware of the dogs, beware of evil workers, beware of the false circumcision.”  The context here is that these people referred to as “dogs” were trying to rob the Philippians of their participation in Christ’s salvation.  (Cats 0, Dogs -4.66.)

The Apostle Peter, in 2 Peter 2:22, compares sinners returning to their sinful ways with dogs returning to lick up their own vomit.  (Cats 0, Dogs -5.66.)   He juxtaposes dogs with swine in the same verse.  (Cats 0, Dogs -6.66.)  It seems that dogs are not only losing their case, but now they are seeming kind of… evil, wouldn’t you say? 

I could go on, but I will end it with one, final point that is enough to ruin the day of any Bible-believer who previously thought that dogs were superior to cats.  Revelation 5:5 is THE trump card where God Almighty identifies Himself with a lion when He names Himself, “the Lion that is from the tribe of Judah.” 

Obviously, being associated with God gives cats* an infinite number of points, so we end our competition with the final score of Cats ∞, Dogs -6.66.  I rest my case.

*If you are thinking about making the GROUNDLESS argument that a lion is not a cat, please read this article.